The envelope on the table

The envelope had arrived before breakfast, and I had moved it away from the kettle twice without opening it. While it remained sealed, I could still imagine the result I wanted. My brother offered to read it for me, but I refused. I had spent too long preparing the application to let someone else's expression tell me the answer first. I cleared the table, put the envelope in front of me and noticed how much I wanted the waiting to end. Not knowing had begun to feel worse than the possibility of disappointment.

In your own words, explain the writer's thoughts and feelings before opening the application result.